i ordered you a pancake

Pancake Utopia? One regular day at work, two normal, healthy women were using IM as a lifeline, complaining about this and that to make the day a little easier to get through. They talked about eating breakfast for dinner, avoiding stupid boys, and never having to work again. Then they realized that a land of pancakes, idealized boys, and easy living would be utopia. Pancake utopia. So they left for this crazy, lovely pancake land, never to return. But every once in awhile, we get a report from that great beyond...

bunny: what up with all the paints? matt damon: well, you've been so all-around wonderful lately that I thought you might like a present, so I was going to paint something for you. and while my feelings for you are very rosy and delicious, I was going to work in a very goya-like style, since I know how you love your insane painters. bunny: where's your canvas, then? matt damon: I have a much better idea. since it's so hot outside and I'm so freaking sexy, why don't we just paint each other? bunny: you are as smart as you are adorable. hand me that tube of yellow ocher...

2003-09-26 // 8:31 a.m. // bunny

vin diesel: psst! bunny: (whispering) what are you doing here? I'm in a meeting! vin diesel: I know, but you've been gone for hours. I got lonely. bunny: aw, I'm sorry punkin. but I think I'll be here for another couple of hours. vin diesel: well then as long as you have to be in here, why don't we spend the time making out on the conference table? bunny: I think that would be the best use of my time, I really do.

2003-09-25 // 12:39 p.m. // bunny

selli: mathieu? mathieu kassovitz, where are you? christian bale: he had to go direct that new gothika movie. remember, he sent you the gift basket and press kit from the junket? selli: (pouts) aw, I wanna be in a movie. christian bale: well I just happen to have this brand new video camera and forty blank tapes, so if you'd like to run a few scenes with me that would be okay. selli: that sounds delicious. what script should we perform? christian bale: script? you silly, naive, adorable girl.

2003-09-25 // 12:39 p.m. // selli

jonathan rhys-meyers: look at you! you've been on your feet all day, and that's just not right. not unless something sexual is involved, which it wasn't. bunny: no, it wasn't, which makes me sad. it was all work-related, which is extra sad. jonathan rhys-meyers: here, put your feet in my lap, yes just like that, and now lie back, there you go -- here's a pillow! -- and I will rub your feet until you fall asleep. bunny: yay, sleep! jonathan rhys-meyers: and then, after you've had a nice long nap, I'll wake you up in fun and creative ways. bunny: yay, hanky-panky!

2003-09-24 // 2:43 p.m. // bunny

sean patrick flanery: hey, you look a little tired. what's up? selli: oh, nothing. you probably don't want to hear about it. sean patrick flanery: don't want to hear about it?!? of course I want to hear it! no matter how mundane the detail, or how silly or drama-enducing the reaction, I want to hear it. what else would I do with my day except wait for you to sit down and talk to me? selli: you could have spent today making a pot roast. sean patrick flanery: well, yeah, I made a pot roast and some delicious mashed potatoes, but I was thinking about listening to you the whole time. here, why don't you eat first while I sing you some elliot smith songs, and then we can curl up on the sundeck and vent. selli: only if you promise not to put gravy on my potatoes. sean patrick flanery: gravy? gravy don't live here.

2003-09-23 // 2:28 p.m. // selli

	bunny: so, I saw Equilibrium. could you walk around in just your pajama bottoms with your hair slightly mussed, and then do that little smile thing that you did in the movie, please? christian bale: so, wait, you want me to put my pants back on? bunny: only for a minute...

2003-09-23 // 10:08 a.m. // bunny

orlando bloom: hey... I... did a bad thing. bunny: (reading a copy of Wicked and speaking around a giant bite of chocolate eclair) oh? like, you want to be spanked kind of bad? orlando bloom: no... I actually... did a bad thing. bunny: (puts down the copy of Wicked and the chocolate eclair) what'd you do? orlando bloom: well, I thought you might like a kitty. you know, one that will jump around that pillow fort that matt damon made for you? bunny: how thoughtful of you! do you want some of my eclair? orlando bloom: yes. but when I went to get your kitty, I couldn't decide what kind would please you most -- like, a tiger-striped kitty? or a black one? or a splotchy tan one? -- so I got all of them. they're in the garage, but johnny rhys-meyers and I are going to move them out to where the ponies are tomorrow. bunny: that's... hm, how many are there? orlando bloom: fifty, I think. they're all milling about, running into each other and falling over stuff. just general puff-ball stuff. but this is Pancake Utopia, you know, so neil patrick-harris did some scientific mojo on them so that they won't turn feral or scratch you or get coated in fleas or anything like that. bunny: well, I think that's absolutely lovely! fifty pancake kitties! and it's fortunate that I happen to have fifty collars in my room. don't give me that look, you! they're numbered 1 through 50, so you and jonathan rhys-meyers can collar the cats when you move them tomorrow, ok? orlando bloom: I'm so glad you're not mad! yay! bunny: excellent, now come over here and feed mommy her eclair. afterwards, we can act out some of the scenes from this book. there's at least one part that I think is quite impossible. orlando bloom: knowing you, I bet not. bunny: fine, I bet you fifty kitties. now come here.

2003-09-22 // 2:55 p.m. // bunny

matt damon: you look like you had just the right amount of martinis tonight. here, why don't you lay down and watch the Discovery Channel special on deep-sea creatures while I get these smokey-smelling clothes off you. selli: (mumbles drunkenly) matt damon: I know, darling, but self-phosphoresence only rates an hour nowadays. why don't I call up the cable network and get them to play "Forensic Files" afterwards? selli: you're... best... shexy. matt damon: have this ice cream. it's nice and soft so your teeth won't freeze. oh, hey, christmas panties.

2003-09-22 // 1:49 p.m. // selli

gabriel byrne: look what I got for you! I had it shipped in by a friend of mine. selli: is this a compilation of the original manuscripts of all of Poe's work? gabriel byrne: yes, my darling. and look, I used the Space-Time Continuum Machine to go back in time and have him sign them for you. selli: (reads) "to selli, the sanguine to my melancholy." oh, you're the sweetest! gabriel byrne: thank you. why don't you drink this delicious concoction of chamomile tea and honey-liquor while I read you the first few poems? selli: score!

2003-09-22 // 10:42 a.m. // selli

christian bale: wow, you look totally awesome naked! bunny: yeah, I know. christian bale: so, not that I'm being all "look at the gift horse in the mouth!" but, um, were you in the shower and forgot to get a clean towel or something? why the nudity? bunny: what, I can't walk around naked in Pancake Utopia? christian bale: you absolutely can. but not without consequences. bunny: woo! bring it, bale.

2003-09-21 // 8:58 p.m. // bunny

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