pancake
i ordered you a pancake
One regular day at work, two normal, healthy women were using IM as a lifeline, complaining about this and that to make the day a little easier to get through. They talked about eating breakfast for dinner, avoiding stupid boys, and never having to work again. Then they realized that a land of pancakes, idealized boys, and easy living would be utopia. Pancake utopia. So they left for this crazy, lovely pancake land, never to return. But every once in awhile, we get a report from that great beyond...
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bunny: argh! these numbers make no sense! michael vartan: what numbers? is that your checking account balance? woah... bunny: oh, be quiet you! (double take) hey, what's that on your head? michael vartan: it's a Thinking Cap. neil patrick harris made it for me. I'd explain it more, but I've got to run -- I'm going to take your account info and multiply that balance. by a hundred. billion. bunny: you can do that? michael vartan: just trust me. if I can understand minkowski's theories -- which I can -- then I can manipulate some paltry numbers to get you a ton of money. not that you need it in Utopia, but if it makes you happy... bunny: it does. a whole, whole lot. |
2003-10-16 // 9:06 a.m. // bunny
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selli: man, pancake utopia is awesome.
craig bierko: look! I got you a herd of icelandic ponies!
selli: but... how did you... exporting laws... (squeals)
criag bierko: laws, schmaws. I told them there was a sexy little thing waiting on the world's finest horses for her own personal enjoyment, and they handed them right over.
selli: really? that's incredible!
craig bierko: well, no, actually I had to hijack a shipment of them on the way to the vet and smuggle them out of the country incognito. lemme tell you, getting an entire herd of ponies across the atlantic ocean undetected is not an easy task.
selli: ponies and derring-do? I think I might love you.
craig bierko: then wait until you see the tilt-a-whirl I had installed in the backyard! |
2003-10-15 // 5:10 p.m. // selli
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daniel day-lewis: what the crap... what are you doing??
selli: trying to get this new bedframe into my room. it's so heavy, though. gah.
daniel day-lewis: and exactly why do you live in Utopia?
selli: um... oh, right! so you big strong guys can do this kind of stuff for me!
daniel day-lewis: precisely. now, hold my shirt while I pick up this bed in the manliest way I can possibly think of! |
2003-10-14 // 5:18 p.m. // selli
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bunny: (kicking a computer with great fervor) mathieu kassovitz: what are you doing? stop! you'll hurt your pretty little feet! bunny: I don't care, I'm mad at this thing! besides, I have stupid feet. mathieu kassovitz: I love your feet, so stop it. how about if I pick up that nasty beast for you, and lug it to the top of the tallest building in Utopia, or the top of a tree, or we can go up in my airplane... bunny: sexy frenchman, focus! mathieu kassovtiz: sorry. I'll lug it up somewhere really high, and then you can push it off the edge and have the satisfaction of watching it smash into tiny tiny pieces. bunny: radical. to the plane! |
2003-10-14 // 1:16 p.m. // bunny
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dominic west: hey, I heard you've hired someone to make michael a little less accident prone.
selli: that's the nice way of putting it, yes. I hear they're making a lot of headway. in the very least, he's being kept out from under our feet. although I do miss him.
dominic west: well, if you need someone to sunbathe naked by the pool, I'd be happy to oblige.
selli: you're such a philanthropist! |
2003-10-14 // 11:14 a.m. // selli
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bunny: oh my god, the whole day just vanished! five minutes ago it was sunday, and now it's monday night! jason statham: well why don't I whisk you away to the bedroom in a romantic fashion and make passionate love to you? bunny: that won't really give me back the day, but it was a monday so I really don't care. whisk away! jason statham: to the bedroom! bunny: um, I think it's still covered in potting soil. jason statham: to the living room couch! |
2003-10-13 // 9:15 p.m. // bunny
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michael vartan: I wanted to make it up to you for ruining your shoes...
selli: so what did you ruin now?
michael vartan: nothing! I swear! I was just thinking of how much you like ice cream, so I figured I would make you some homemade strawberrys & cream. doesn't that sound nice?
selli: (looking dubious) and you didn't burn down the kitchen?
michael vartan: well, I might have ruined the garbage disposal. and got some strawberry juice on the curtains. oh, and you might want to avoid the dishwasher until I can get matthieu to take a look at it.
selli: well, at least I have ice cream!
michael vartan: kind of.
selli: crap. |
2003-10-12 // 8:01 a.m. // selli
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dominic west: look at how flushed you are! bunny: yeah, I just took the most fabulous, luxurious bath ever. but now I'm so hot, I feel like I'm about to melt. dominic west: not to worry, I have some ice cubes here to help cool you down. bunny: thank goodness! should I get a ziploc bag to put them in? dominic west: I think it's easier to do it my way. I'll hold the ice cube in my mouth while I run it over your bare skin. bunny: aha. here, let me get this pesky towel out of your way. |
2003-10-11 // 10:55 p.m. // bunny
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selli: you're pretty smart, right?
joaquin phoenix: um. is that a trick question? because I've very pretty...
selli: okay, lemme rephrase that. you're very rich, right?
joaquin phoenix: oh, god yes. why? do you want to go shopping?
selli: we've been thinking that something needs to be done about michael vartan. he's definately worth keeping around utopia, but he's making an awful mess of things. did you see bunny's bedroom?
joaquin phoenix: I saw muddy footprints leading from that to the apple-green milkshake-making torture device. I just assumed the worst.
selli: think you could hire some scientists to take care of that problem?
joaquin phoenix: no problem, love. I'll ask neil patrick harris if he knows anyone who can make the big monkey smarter.
selli: you're the best! now, about that shopping trip...
joaquin phoenix: I'll go warm up the car. |
2003-10-10 // 2:29 p.m. // selli
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bunny: is that potting soil on your hands? michael vartan: yeah, I got you some flowers. bunny: and potted them? you potted cut flowers? but they'll die! michael vartan: that's not... gonna make you as happy as I thought it would, then. I um... (hides behind the sofa) I know how much you love the english meadow, so I thought you'd like to have one around all the time. I sorta planted one in your bedroom. bunny: you what? how? whu? michael vartan: yeah, it was really hard to cover your whole bedroom with 5 to 6 inches of soil. but I managed! bunny: oh, honey, you're so pretty and such a damn good kisser, but we've got to do something about you. |
2003-10-10 // 10:22 a.m. // bunny
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selli: hey craig? can you do me a favor?
craig bierko: I've got a creme frappachino and a slice of that molten chocolate lava cake you like--they're right over by the windowseat, which I've filled with plush cashmere pillows and your favourite down comforter. oh, and michael brought by the DVDs with all of this season's Alias episodes on them, so I set up the big screen where you can see it. can I give you a hand massage while you watch vartan look all pouty?
selli: well, I was actually just gonna ask if I could borrow your pen to write down something, but this is good too!
craig bierko: I'm always two steps ahead. it's one of the job requirements for being a pancake.
selli: enough yakking. get with the hand massageys! |
2003-10-09 // 3:30 p.m. // selli
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daniel day-lewis: hey, wake up. you were snoring. bunny: oh no! I'd hoped that my horrible earthquake-inducing snores would be toned down in Pancake Utopia, but I guess not. oh, this is awful! daniel day-lewis: no, no. I thought your snoring was charming and enticing. you're so delicate when you snore like that, very truckerly, and I'd been lying here watching you sleep. but I truly can't resist you, especially when you snore like that, and so I had to wake you up and kiss you from your toes to your nose. do you mind? bunny: hee! no, of course not, but start with toes will you? and let's just see how far you get. |
2003-10-09 // 7:47 a.m. // bunny
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