i ordered you a pancake

Pancake Utopia? One regular day at work, two normal, healthy women were using IM as a lifeline, complaining about this and that to make the day a little easier to get through. They talked about eating breakfast for dinner, avoiding stupid boys, and never having to work again. Then they realized that a land of pancakes, idealized boys, and easy living would be utopia. Pancake utopia. So they left for this crazy, lovely pancake land, never to return. But every once in awhile, we get a report from that great beyond...

michael vartan: wow, you can hold your breath for a really long time! bunny: I know, isn't that the best? michael vartan: it's definitely on my top ten list of "most amazing things ever." bunny: that list had better be populated by things relating to me. michael vartan: it is -- it's even got a number zero that just says "bunny." bunny: I'm not sure if that makes sense or not, mostly because I'm light-headed thanks to the lack of oxygen. michael vartan: hmm, maybe you should get out of the pool, then? bunny: no way, man. I'm going back under! michael vartan: should the phrase "safety hazard" be coming into play here? bunny: nah, it's Pancake Utopia, I'll be fine. but you can still do some CPR if you like. michael vartan: the fake kind with lots of kissing right? not the read kind where you vomit water on me? bunny: that was only the one time! and I had the stomach flu! michael vartan: oops, sorry, I'm not supposed to talk about that, am I? I'm, uh, gonna make out with you to distract you from that, k? bunny: you'd better!

2004-05-28 // 11:48 a.m. // bunny

orlando bloom: why are you limping? bunny: I stepped in gum. can you believe that? GUM! so now one shoe sticks when I walk and it's inconvenient and very gross. orlando bloom: whose gum? tell me, and I'll go punch them in the knees. and then put gum in their hair! then they'll see how much it sucks to be all limpy and gum-covered. so there! bunny: awesome. will you also scrape this gum off my shoe for me? orlando bloom: ew. er, I mean, of course. here's that rhys-meyers kid...?

2004-05-14 // 3:16 p.m. // bunny

christian bale: (poke poke) selli: mmph. christian bale: (violently shaking the bed) selli: death from above! (rolls over) christian bale: okay, seriously. you've been asleep for three days. get out of bed and give me some attention, or else. selli: or else what, mister "please kill me in gruesome and generally unpleasant ways"? christian bale: or else I'll stop working out and grow a beer belly, and then I'll shave my head, and stop brushing my teeth, and wear a trucker hat. selli: no! you wouldn't... christian bale: I most certainly would. selli: you win this round, bale. now, go run me a bath. christian bale: god knows you need it, stinky-bed girl. shall I go ahead and get your toothbrush ready too? selli: you're just asking for a kiss, buddy. christian bale: whoa. I'm going, I'm going!

2004-05-12 // 4:33 p.m. // selli

selli: why is there work on my desk? why hasn't someone else taken care of this yet? rufus sewell: what work? I just did it all when you glanced out the window. selli: what the -- um. you know, you've always been my favorite pancake. rufus sewell: that's not what paul rudd was saying in the sauna yesterday. selli: that tattletale little... hey, wait. who was in the sauna? rufus sewell: oh, everyone. we all decided to take a steam while you and bunny were napping. selli: for the record, the next time everyone feels like laying about in nothing but a towel and being all sweaty and stuff, wake me up. it will cancel out the auto-kill reaction of disturbing my sleep. rufus sewell: you're right, I wasn't thinking. any way you'd forgive me? selli: rally the troops for Sauna Part II: Electric Boogaloo!

2004-05-05 // 4:00 p.m. // selli

bunny: owie. is it possible for one's brain to turn totally inside out, rendering the organ incapable of normal function? then, instead of creating thought, the brain actually just gurgles and sputters. michael vartan: ...uhh... bunny: oh, dear. did you lose your thinking cap? michael vartan: I don't need a thinking cap to see that you just got brain-trampled by work. not to worry! I've got a room full of fluffy pillows for us to jump around in. bunny: ooh, something that will please both regular and inside-out brains! last one to the pillows is... um... something... michael vartan: ah, at last -- someone at my level.

2004-05-05 // 8:35 a.m. // bunny

christian bale: this just came in the mail for you. selli: a mysterious package! what could it be? christian bale: maybe I should check it first to make sure it's safe. selli: aw, how thoughtful. okay, you open it and make sure there's no poisonous tarantulas in there. christian bale: you didn't say anything about spiders! but, okay... hey, it's a box of truffles! selli: score! that's the best thing I could have gotten in the mail, ever. christian bale: well, they could still be poisoned. maybe I should eat a few to make sure -- selli: you touch that chocolate and you'll draw back a stump. christian bale: I... er, I was... just kidding! yeah, I was kidding. no worries. this is all yours. selli: damn yes. now, back away, lest I mistake your fingers for delicious pirouettes!

2004-04-30 // 4:15 p.m. // selli

bunny: whoah, are my eyes glued shut? did someone glue shut my eyes? orlando bloom: no, I think you're just really tired. bunny: well then, why am I awake? orlando bloom: no reason I can think of. you should go back to sleep. bunny: I totally should. I totally am. orlando bloom: good, and while you rest up, I'll be doing that review of literature for you. bunny: I didn't hear any of that because I'm so very much asleep right now, but thank you. orlando bloom: no prob-- bunny: sleeping!

2004-04-30 // 8:03 a.m. // bunny

selli: what are you up to? paul rudd: oh, nothing. honest. selli: uh-huh. so you don't mind if I commandeer you to help me paint my bedroom? paul rudd: I couldn't think of a better way to spend my time. selli: excellent. you do realize, of course, that by "help" I mean "do it all while I take a nap on that inflatable lounge chair in the pool," right? paul rudd: I thought it meant all of that, and I bring you some peanut-butter chocolate ice cream when I'm done. selli: how could I have forgotten that? now, go take your clothes off and get to work!

2004-04-29 // 2:25 p.m. // selli

bunny: (gasp of total outrage) michael vartan: what? what'd I do? I'm really sorry! bunny: there's a video tape of a reinactment of School Ties in the vcr downstairs! a naked reinactment! michael vartan: oh, yeah, about that... it was, er, totally an accident. and we won't be sexy on tape ever again. right? bunny: no, no. the tape shouldn't be downstairs, silly thing. it's supposed to be upstairs. in my vcr... waiting on me... like, now? michael vartan: oh, right! yeah, ok, I'll, um... be right back! bunny: with oreos? michael vartan: that's... a lot to remember. can I borrow a sticky note? bunny: yeah, priority to the oreos, k? michael vartan: (scribbling) oreos... dirty video... (pause) and a fluffy pillow! bunny: aw, you're learning. now get a move on!

2004-04-28 // 7:59 a.m. // bunny

christian bale: hey! you! don't even think about trying to sneak by! bunny: um, hi there. I might or might not be bringing extra work home with me. christian bale: you are totally not bringing work home with you. you know that's not allowed. for that matter, jobs aren't allowed either. bunny: well if that's the rule -- christian bale: that's most certainly the rule, yes. now! it's time for you to go hop in that swimming pool while I go do some yard work. bunny: shirtless yard work, dear, shirtless. christian bale: right-o!

2004-04-27 // 3:40 p.m. // bunny

selli's boss: you need to do all this work, and stay here until 8pm... three days from now. you also need to make me more coffee, because this coffee sucks. oh, and I hate you. joaquin pheonix: shut your damn mouth! (ninja kicks) selli: that was awesome. not sure I'll get my paycheck this week, but that was a seriously deserved boot to the face. joaquin pheonix: he's lucky I don't set him on fire. now, you want to go take an extra-long lunch? selli: lemme think about that for a second. joaquin pheonix: (waits) selli: yes, of course!

2004-04-23 // 3:21 p.m. // selli

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